GI Ed
by Legacy of the Phoenix
Summary: As punishment for his disastrous scam in the Big Picture Show and all of his actions leading up to that point, Eddy's parents forcibly enroll him into Peach Creek Military Academy. In the midst of his hardships, Eddy faces an identity crisis, but also meets a beautiful young girl. Takes place immediately after "Wanted Ed or Alive". Ed Edd n Eddy created by Danny Antonucci.


Eddy, his three hairs cut down to a mere inch each and wearing an outfit that resembles an _Army Physical Fitness Uniform,_ stands in the middle of multiple similarly uniformed boys with their faces unseen and stands before the uniformed drill sergeant whose face is also not seen. Despite this, his voice can absolutely be heard.

"McCone!" The Drill Sergeant, akin to a stereotypical military man, addresses a nervous, off-guard Eddy by his given name with sheer aggression!

"Ye-ye-yes, sir?" Eddy shakily replies.

"You must've done somethin' real ugly if your folks were that keen on gettin' you here! The semester is almost over!" The Drill Sergeant declares. "Which means, you're gonna have to do double work on the double until summer!"

Eddy gulps uneasily. And he is right to. For the next two weeks, he works and suffers more than he ever has before. Even compared to everything his brother has ever done to him. He thought traditional school was bad and even tried to escape it. But things here make all that seem like a paradise. It is like he is at a literal military school with some traditional education thrown in there.

In his first week, he is forced to clean multiple disgusting toilets with a toothbrush and is simultaneously bullied by his fellow cadets, who shoot pebbles at him with slingshots as he works.

During this same week, he begins to fall asleep in math class until the off-screen teacher bangs on his desk and points outside before the cadets laugh at him. Outside, he is ordered to do multiple push-ups, but is having a hard time doing a single one.

At the end of that week, in the mess hall, a sore Eddy takes his tray of food and heads off to a table by himself as usual. Before he could get close, a cadet trips him up and causes him to fall face first into his food, which leads to him being laughed at and ridiculed even more than before. Eddy bangs on the floor in frustration, being powerless to do anything about his situation without getting in trouble.

"Errgh!" Eddy throws his tray to the side.

In the second week, Eddy has begun actual training. He is forced to pull a giant monster truck tire by his waist up a slippery slope…while it is raining. He fails halfway through and slides all the way back down.

That same week, he goes on a mile run with the other cadets but cannot keep up after a while and ends up falling on his knees trying to catch his breath as he sweats profusely.

"Man!" He exclaims!

"Let's go, McCone! Don't be pathetic!" The Drill Sergeant blows the whistle at Eddy, who reluctantly gets up and continues to run.

That same week, Eddy has begun combat training with the other cadets, but is at a severe disadvantage due to his physique and the fact that many of them are already very skillful.

"Ow! Ow! Ooh! Dogh! Ow! Oh! Ow! Yow!" Throughout the week, Eddy is thrown, knocked down, pinned, and severely assaulted by the other cadets during all of his attempts to learn hand to hand combat.

"I said don't be pathetic, McCone!" The Drill Sergeant tells an immobile, barely-conscious Eddy.

Near the edge of that same week, Eddy has been learning about the use of military-like paintball weapons and ammunition; assault rifles, handguns, and grenades. Unfortunately, he has no real luck with those either.

"Whoa!" First, Eddy attempts to use a paintball machine gun but ends up losing control and shooting all over the place.

"Aw, come on!" Next, Eddy fails to hit the bulls-eye with his paintball handgun, missing every single shot.

"Take cover!" Then, Eddy waits too long to throw a grenade after he pulls the pin out, which results in him being covered in purple paint when it explodes.

Eddy hits the showers that same day, but then,

"Hey!" One of the other cadets swipes his towel when he goes for his clothes, which are also not where he left them anymore. Angry, he grabs another towel and chases after the cadets, not stopping even when he ends up outside and hops over the fence. However, he stops in the middle of the ground when he apparently loses them in the dark.

SHUNK! The lights suddenly shut on and expose Eddy where he stands before he is confronted by a clearly angry female drill sergeant, whose face is not seen.

"What the-?!" Eddy looks to his right and realizes that the boy cadets have tricked him into chasing them into the Academy's female wing! He nervously looks to the female drill sergeant, "Oops!"

Eddy is literally thrown into solitary confinement, being hit in the face with his own clothes. Frustrated with his lack of progress and continuous hazing, a defeated, broken Eddy cries himself to sleep.

* * *

" **Huh?" Eddy suddenly wakes up in his own bed. Relieved, he sighs, "Knew it was a bad dream."**

 **But then, he looks forward at the edge of his bed and sees what appears to be himself, but with his back turned.**

" **Who the heck are you?!" Eddy shouts, but the figure does not respond. "Hey! I'm talking to ya!"**

 **Again, the figure does not respond.**

 **Impatient, Eddy gets out of bed and grabs the figure's shoulder to turn him around, "What are ya? Deaf?"**

 **Eddy is shaken and shocked to find that the figure has no face. Moments later, a giant, demonic version of his brother rises from behind the faceless figure as his surroundings begin to melt!**

" **Ha! Ha! Ha! Still clueless, huh Pipsqueak?!" Eddy's brother stomps on the faceless figure of Eddy; the force of the impact knocks Eddy backwards and out of his melted window!**

" **Agh!" Eddy suddenly finds himself floating through an endless void that displays images of all of his past scams and misadventures with Ed and Edd. Special emphasis is on his behavior all throughout each occasion as well as the things in his personal belongings from his bedroom décor to even his money jar. Before long, Eddy stops floating and ends up in front of another version of himself. Only this one has his arms folded and an actual face. A very mean face.**

" **What, you found yer face?" Eddy mocks.**

" **Keep jokin', no-neck." Eddy 2 replies. "But you know the truth. It ain't never gonna happen. Yer gonna go right back to being a dork who rips people off and would sooner leap at a jawbreaker than lend a hand to your so-called friends."**

" **No!" Eddy vehemently denies.**

" **Yeah!" Eddy 2 grins maliciously. "It's who you are. Who your brother is. Ya can't run from it. Can't hide from it."**

" **I'm not that guy anymore." Eddy insists.**

" **Yeah, you are. It's all you are. All you know. You know it. You need it. You gotta have it. What are you without it?** _ **Who**_ **are you without it? Your greed! Your selfishness! Your need to ruin everything for everyone whether ya meant to or not! Embrace it, Eddy!" Eddy 2 holds out his hand for Eddy to take in order to encourage him to return to his old ways, "That's who we are, Eddy! Who you are!"**

" **No. It's who he was." Edd suddenly appears right behind Eddy 2 with Ed right by his side.**

" **Ed?! Double D?!" Eddy is more than happy to see his friends again.**

" **Zappity Zap-Zap!" Ed rubs his hands together and vaporizes Eddy 2 with the touch of a finger.**

" **Yo, Double D! What's with all this?" Eddy asks wondering. "Is it like when we thought we were old or somethin'?"**

" **No, Eddy." Edd explains, "For you, this is very real. You are struggling and suffering at the military academy because you don't know who you are anymore. Your scams, your actions, your motivation for everything that you have ever done has been purged ever since that fateful encounter with your elder sibling. You're in a state of personal crisis."**

" **What, I need a dictionary just to talk to an imaginated you?" Eddy scratches his head.**

" **An** _ **imagined**_ **version of me that is also capable of correcting you." Edd continues, "More to the point, you cannot hope to excel where you are unless you forge a new identity for yourself."**

" **How the heck am I supposed to do that?" Eddy shrugs.**

" **Be confident. Believe in yourself. Take life by the horns." Edd replies.**

" **Like in music class?!" Ed butts in.**

" **No Ed." Edd and Eddy both shakes their respective heads.**

" **There is no going back, old friend." Edd remarks, "Only moving forward. To pass this test, you can't be who you were. Only better. You have it in you. You always did. Now, you need to bring it forward. I believe in you.** _ **We**_ **believe in you."**

 **Eddy turns to find the cul-de-sac kids, sans Jonny and Plank, smiling at him. Eddy develops a smile of his own and looks down.**

" **End dream sequence!" Ed laughs.**

* * *

"Agh!" Eddy is forcibly awakened when a silhouetted cadet splashes water on him from a bucket.

"Rise and shine, maggot!" The cadet walks away laughing.

Eddy, now sure of himself and what he has to do, simply grins and remarks to the cadet under his breath, "Rise n shine."

It is the beginning of Eddy's third week at PCMA and having been motivated by the dream he had, he begins to fare far better than he ever did the first two weeks.

He cleans the latrines with a toothbrush and is about to be bullied by other cadets again, but this time, he is prepared and uses the top of the toilets to block the pebbles and reflect them back on each of the cadets, knocking them down.

"Windbags." Eddy sneers.

During math class, Eddy finishes his work, but ends up falling asleep due to still not being used to getting up early. The teacher sends him outside to do pushups again and although he struggles again, he manages to do more than he did the previous week.

In the mess hall, Eddy again readies to sit alone with his tray and takes notice of one cadet trying to trip him up again, but he avoids it when he leaps over his leg.

"Ha! Nice try!" Eddy mocks the cadet, earning his anger.

That same week, Eddy is forced to haul the tire up the slippery slope again. He fails three more times, but this time, he remains determined and it is through this that he has the will and strength to finally reach the top of the slope despite the heavy rain.

"Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" Eddy cheers himself in triumph.

During week four, Eddy again struggles on the run with the other cadets at first. But gradually, from the middle to the end of the week, he holds his own, catches up with, and even manages to pass all of the other cadets, shocking them all. The Drill Sergeant, too (even though none of their faces are seen).

During week five, Eddy's once-stubby physique has disappeared and given way to a much leaner one. In addition, Eddy has dramatically improved his proficiency with the weapons. Within the second day of the week, he has managed to decimate all of the dummies with his assault and sniper rifles. Within the fourth day, he has managed to get a perfect score with his handgun target practice. And on the final day of the week, he has mastered the grenades and has deliberately tossed one at several cadet bullies as a warning not to mess with him in the shower.

"Get the message?" Eddy smirks as they glare angrily.

During weeks six and seven, Eddy greatly improves where he struggled the most; combat training. During the first three days of week six, he has only been able to block and defend. During the next two days, he has managed to hold his own in a fight with two cadets even though he loses. By the end of the week, he has bested those two cadets.

During week seven, for the first two days, Eddy has managed to hold his own against four cadets, but only manages to defeat two of them. The following three days, he has managed to defeat the other two, plus one more. By the end of the week, Eddy has finally managed to get the better of the best cadet, who has beaten him all prior weeks.

Having pushed himself and gained the will to stand up for himself, Eddy has earned the respect of the other cadets, who express this by sitting with him in the mess hall. He can feel it. He can feel most of the lingering, residual aspects of his original, negative personality depart from him in favor of a new persona.

At the beginning of week eight, Eddy plays a game of dice with the other cadets in their barracks; the reward being two New Jersey jawbreakers (seen in the background of **Once upon an Ed** ). Miraculously, Eddy has achieved a massively abnormal growth spurt that puts his height in the same league as Edd and Kevin. He is clearly pleased about this no doubt.

"Ha!" Eddy rolls another perfect 12, thus winning the jawbreakers. "Better luck next week, boys."

The bugle sounds outside.

"Time to turn in, fellas." Cadet #1 declares. "Tomorrow's the big day!"

"Yeah." Cadet #2 adds, "The day some of those girls and I get to know each other better."

"In your dreams." Eddy remarks. "Their drill sergeant's manlier than ours. She won't even let you get close."

"Let me worry about that." Cadet #2 insists.

Before the boys know it, it is time to awaken again.

* * *

Today, the boys and the girls, the latter having their faces unseen just like with the boys, stand in attention before their respective drill sergeants, who give a speech about the weeklong war-games against Lemon Brook Military Academy.

At the corner of his eye, Eddy notices one girl whom is neither silhouetted nor has an unseen face. A beautiful girl that is no doubt his age. A beautiful girl of Native American heritage and has a light-green tongue color. By chance, the girl also notices Eddy at the corner of her own eye. If only for a brief second, they share a bit of a moment even in the midst of their superiors' speeches. The girl clearly shows signs of interest in Eddy while Eddy feels about her in a way that he has not felt about any girl. Not even Nazz. They are shaken out of their mutual partial glance when the girls' sergeant shouts to the girls,

"…to the caravan at 0900!"

"Ma'am, yes ma'am!" The girls salute their drill sergeant.

"That goes double for you, cadets! 0800!" The boys' drill sergeant orders.

"Sir, yes sir!" The boys salute their drill sergeant.

* * *

As the week passes by, all we hear are the sounds of paintball guns and grenades firing and exploding. All we see are images of the many silhouetted or face-unseen cadets, all wearing uniforms that resemble _Army Combat Uniforms_ , running around a recreational battlefield as paintball landmines explode around them. Shoot, there are even paintball tanks! Tanks! In the middle of it all, Eddy and the Native American girl he noticed earlier in the week, by chance, end up hiding in the same trench.

"Need some more ammo?" Eddy asks her.

"Think I'm good." The girl loads a new cartridge into her rifle. She looks to Eddy, "But I could use a couple of grenades."

"Here." Eddy hands two grenades to her. He starts to reload his handgun and reacts in slight frustration when he realizes he has no more ammo for it.

The girl gives her handgun to Eddy, "Here. Take mine. It's fully loaded and I don't really like them anyway."

"Thanks." Eddy jokes, "Really wish they ain't ban the grenade launchers this year. But chances are, I wouldn't get one no way. Late entry and all."

"Me too." The girl briefly stands out of the trench and fires her assault rifle before she ducks back in to avoid being shot at. "Parents enrolled me back in March."

"April." Eddy stands up and throws his grenade before he ducks back down into the trench.

BLASH! The grenade explodes and screaming can be heard.

"Sorry. Not much for manners right now." Eddy holds out his hand to her, "Eddy McCone."

The girl shakes his hand, "Irene Beatty. And it's all good. We _are_ in the middle of a pretty gris war…game."

" _Gris_?" Eddy pulls down an unconscious female cadet with layers of purple paint all over her face. "You from Cherry Springs?"

"Might as well be." Irene pulls down an unconscious male cadet with layers of pink paint all over his face.

"We should talk more. When we ain't gettin' shot at." Eddy then hears pink-faced male cadet groan in pain, "Quit whinin', Shakespeare! It don't hurt _that_ bad."

"To be fair, these Lemon Brook lame-os _really_ know how to play soldier." Irene points out.

"Yeah, they're good. But we're _better_." Eddy cocks his assault rifle and jumps out of the trench and into the action.

Irene gives him a look of admiration and joins him in the battlefield, tossing a grenade towards the other team.

"Agh!"

* * *

Two weeks later, it is graduation and all cadets are lined up and wearing what resembles _Army Service Uniforms_ complete with matching berets as they stoically look forward like actual soldiers despite their respective silhouetted parents being below. Most of the cadets receive graduation medals that resemble the _Achievement Medal_. About six cadets, four boys and two girls, receive medals that resemble the _Distinguished Service Medal_. Eddy and Irene, however, despite spending far less time at the academy than other cadets, receive the highest honor in the form of medals that resemble the _Medal of Honor_.

"Atten-hut!" The academy's face-unseen dean salutes his former students.

"Sir, yes sir!" The former cadets, male and female, salute him back.

* * *

Later that day, Eddy is back in his own room in his own house for the first time in nearly two months. This time for real. He looks around the room as if he does not even recognize it. He probably does not, as it is the room of his old self. The person he no longer is. To this end, he wheelbarrows all of his retro-themed items, sans his king-sized bed, out of his room into his backyard, lights a match, and sets it all on fire, thus destroying the last residual trace of what he once was.

"Good riddance… _Eddy_." Eddy remarks, referencing the incarnation he faced in his subconscious dream weeks ago. But even so, he takes off his hat, grabs a nearby watering pot, and pours some on his own head before his three hairs grow back to the length they once were.

Going back inside his room, more specifically his _Closet of Dreams_ , Eddy searches around until he finds his trademark outfit _way_ in the back. But seeing as how he is much taller and thinner now, he stretches the outfit in zany fashion to make it fit.

"Bingo!"

DING-DONG! Eddy's doorbell rings once.

Quickly changing into his outfit, Eddy answers the door to find Irene behind it. Without her uniform, she is shown to wear a strapped yellow summer dress over a pair of blue jeans and white sneakers. She also wears her once-shortened hair into a ponytail and wears a pair of dreamcatcher earrings due to her pride in her heritage.

"You look different." Irene jokes.

"Right back at cha." Eddy closes the door behind him and walks up to her, "Come on. I want you to meet some people."

* * *

Eddy walks with Irene to the cul-de-sac, where he sees, to his surprise, that Irene is not the only new kid on the block. He finds Ed, Edd, Nazz, Kevin, Rolf, Jimmy, and Sarah playing or simply talking with _five_ of them. Five new kids. Three boys and two girls. All silhouetted all the same. The twelve children notice Eddy and Irene.

"What's up, guys?" Eddy greets with genuine happiness.

"Eddy!" The seven originals run up to Eddy and overlap in words. "You're back! And tall! What you gulped down some vitamins? Dude, we've like, missed you and stuff! Greetings, old friend. Hey, Eddy! Golly, Eddy. You look tall. And as thin as the membrane of a fowl, yes?"

"Group hug!" Ed picks up and squeezes Eddy, Edd, and all but Irene and the other five kids.

"Ed!" The seven children shout in pain as they all turn blue or purple and develop zany eye circles.

Irene simply giggles to herself, amused by Ed's character.


End file.
